Dear Mom Shamed Mama,

Sometimes you really believe that some things won’t happen to you until they do. 

I’d read about it and had heard it before from several mamas. They told me about the in-between. The way you can feel joy and be sad all at the same time. I remember looking down at my daughter and thinking I had never felt so blessed in my entire life but then break down minutes later crying uncontrollably and not knowing why. I remember taking survey after survey in the doctor's office and everytime the results came back the same. I had postpartum depression and anxiety. 

It started with not being able to nurse my baby, to producing very little milk and then having to switch to formula. Unfortunately we live in a world where many mamas are shamed for formula feeding their babes, so of course, I  felt the weight of that. How could my body not do what it was meant to do? Why couldn’t I get the hang of breastfeeding? Why wouldn’t she latch? I must be doing something wrong!

Then the fear crept up. The fear that she was not going to bond with me like a mama and baby should. I remember crying night after night to my husband because I felt like my daughter wouldn’t like me. That she wouldn’t recognize me as her mama because I couldn’t bond with her in that way. 

The beautiful thing however is that I can truly say that in spite of how this journey started, my daughter is very attached to me. I see it in how she calls me mama and leans in for me to hold her. I see it in how she lights up when I walk through the door as she squirms around in a cute little happy dance. I see it in the way she looks at me with tear filled eyes when she’s sad or hurt just so I can be the one to comfort her. Or the way she looks at me and belly laughs when I’m dancing around the kitchen while she eats dinner in her high chair. 

So mama, I may not know how your journey started. I may not know if someone shamed you for bottle feeding your babe. Or if you’re just exhausted so from sleepless night after night and don’t know how you will continue on. I don’t know if, like me, you feel like your baby won’t bond with you. I just want you to know that I see you and you are doing an amazing job. God couldn’t have chosen a better mama for your baby. God knew exactly what he was doing and already knew how it would all play out. Just hold onto my words. There will be better days. The sun always comes out even after the darkest of days.